Post-college trip: cancelled

So my friend Alexander returned home today, and after yet another trip to the dentist this morning, he and I hung out this afternoon. We were supposed to go on a trip together after he got home from China (he plays trumpet at Julliard, and the Julliard Orchestra traveled to China on a goodwill tour immediately after the school year ended). Unfortunately (for me), he has an audition on the 23rd so he can't just take a week off of practicing to putz around the country. I suppose I understand pretty well where he's coming from - I mean, the guy needs a job, and his training is as an orchestral trumpet player (and he's pretty good, by the way!).

But part of me feels like I'm really missing an opportunity to do something I'll never have the chance to do again. There are places I've never seen before - the Grand Canyon, the Pacific Coast, parts of Mexico and Canada, and perhaps even Alaska and Hawaii, and that doesn't even consider everywhere ABROAD I'd like to see - that require time and money, and I feel like after I start working I won't have the time to take to see these wonderful places. On the other hand, I don't really have the money to see most of them now, either. . . .

But I don't know. I feel like I've grown progressively more boring since my sophomore year, and every day I wake up now I feel like I'm wasting time because I'm not going to work. Quite honestly, I feel like my whole life is starting to revolve around work - and I haven't even started yet.

Don't get me wrong, I love my job. Passionately. Almost to the point of obsession. And that's precisely what I'm afraid of - I have a tendency to convince myself the I actually enjoy doing all the stuff I HAVE to do, because it keeps me from skipping the necessary stuff for the things I actually WANT to do. Take, for instance, auto repair. I used to hate it. Now my weekends feel empty if I don't spend them fixing my car. Why? Because when my car breaks, it needs to be fixed - and if I can tell myself that fixing my car is fun, then it makes it a DESIRABLE activity. I feel like I've made my job just such an activity - to the point where I'd rather go to work than do a lot of other things.

And that simply isn't healthy. But I feel like I'm losing direction in my life, and that outside of my job (which, as I mentioned, hasn't even started yet) there isn't really anything I wake up each morning and say "Hey, I'm sure glad I get to do [this] today." It's a scary thought, really - because one day, I'm going to wake up and not even want to go to work. And I won't know what to do.